I’m trying to sleep, but all I can think about is what she is doing. Is she fussin cause her diaper is doo, is she hungry or is it like last night when she just looked at me with these amazing eyes.
God is the giver of life. He is the One and only that can fill our quiver. He sets the solitary in family’s. Children our His heritage. These are just a few scriptures that echo in me. It is not by my power, nor Melindas; it is only in His hands and it makes me cry out to Him all the more.
My faith is tested, but I am resolved. My heart is broken, but He can mend. My little girl’s destiny was changed today, I can fall to my knees and cry Abba Father for her.
It’s not like an EPT that reads positive, but the doctor says you’re not. It’s not like all the inferility treatments they give you over and over raising your hope for at max 28 days and being let down. Its not like invetro where you see magnified images of your embryos and hope when they are implanted they will live and then you wait, for days, but nothing. Its not like all of that because we have been through that.
It’s like waiting for your child to be born, having the showers, preparing the room, and waiting. The day closes in, the anticipation builds, the water breaks, the labor starts and in enters your baby. Then 50 hours later you have nothing. Oh you have more diapers, formula, car seats and wipies that are suppose to be used efficiently, but now they serve as haunting reminders of what might have been. That’s what its like.
It’s a lot like someone you love dies. I feel like she died only I know that she lives. So it’s awkward to think of her with her birth mom, which was not the plan until today. I didn’t see it coming, and today, it was too late for me, I’d given my heart away, so when it happened I was broken.
A few posts ago I wrote how sweet it was to live in the moment. This moment right now is bitter, but it will better.
Melinda and I red aloud to each other tonight Psalms 20-29. They ministered to us. He ministers to us.
Thank you for the comments; they come straight to my blackberry and I see them. I read them to Melinda and we know there are so many who are as disappointed as us. Keep faith friends.
I figure there are 5000 saints praying for the perfect will of God. I believe I know what that is, but for now we heal.
See ya soon Rock Church and friends. Your prayers are sustaining our hope. We love ya.
From a rest area in New Mexico.
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